Don't Fear What Lies in the Darkness

I'm not exactly sure why I somehow had convinced myself that this journey to self discovery was going to be a scenic walk along some golden path.  It's rather ignorant in fact (obvious in retrospect) to think that any journey that leads one out of a dark place would not in and of itself have to encounter that darkness.  Two quotes keep bouncing around in my head.

"I never said it would be easy, I said it would be worth it"

"Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen"

The former being just a reiteration of what I think I really need right now is a reminder that there is a reason for what I'm going through, even the stuff I might not want to face.  Change is never easy, but growth requires it, and the harsh reality is that personal growth can only come at the expense of honest assessment of places one might not like to have such a light shone on...our failures.  And the reality is that the deeper and darker the place, the more it will resist the light being shone on it. 

To the latter quote, I can only say that I was exposed to this idea by a very wise person.  I also think that this individual should know that I can see the full extent of the context in what was said, and when it was said.  It may be a retroactive realization but in all reality it always was going to be.  So to that individual (you know who you are) know that I too feel caught in the whims of the universe, pulling me toward the realization of my own decision(s).

Tying these two things together, I think we all have choices to make, and we all do our best to make the right ones.  Sometimes these choices are clear, but more often than not a decision comes clouded in what we would refer to as finding the lesser of two evils.  A third quote real quick:

"When facing a two way decision, flip a coin.  Not because it will decide for you, but while it is in the air, you heart will know which choice you hope comes up."

I like this quote.  And I thought it held a fundamental truth in it.  I still believe it in concept, but I also recognize that there are times when the heart can be so perfectly divided that instead of one thing coming clear, the two opposing positions only seem to grow more strongly entrenched and as the coin falls you realize that some things might best be left unresolved.  Or more appropriately some decisions are better left unmade until we can gain greater understanding of them. 

One thing I am painfully aware of right now is that I have been hovering on a decision for a long time now.  I have also failed to find any contrast in the decision, and out of fear of making the wrong decision I chose inaction...at least in some ways.  I think that my fear of digging into what really ails me, what flaw I carry to the core drove me to paralysis, and perhaps has been doing so for many years. 

"If you chose not to decide, you still have made a choice"

As much as it pains me to think of a variety of the ramifications of what has happened recently I do know that one thing I am grateful for is that someone has helped make the decision for me.  I'm scared to death right now of what I'm going to unearth along the way, but I also recognize that I cannot continue to hide from all of this.  I have a drive to see myself to a "better place" and I can only get there if I can honestly face up to things that I have buried deep within.  I can only overcome those drains to my being if I stop ignoring them.  Yes, I am afraid.  And no, I don't have any grand plan at this point as to how to go about this, but I think I know my first step.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"

I think it's high time I took a step.

Ranting About Gonzo

*****WARNING.  EXPLICIT LYRICS WITHIN.  AVERT YOUR EYES!!!!!!!*****

Having just powered through my first Hunter S. Thompson novel (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas), I am struck by a host of thoughts and emotions that have my brain in a frenzy trying to both comprehend, and tolerate at a cognitive level.  The one thing that I can’t deny is that there is an openness, a frankness that speaks to me.  It goes beyond the casual connection and seems to touch on a much deeper issue which, if not directly connects to, most certainly alludes to the meaning of life.  Or in a more appropriate sense, the American Dream.

I won’t be a stranger when it comes to the concept (or the practice, on a limited basis) of mind altering substances, but I’d be lying to say that there isn’t a part of me that almost wonders if there would be an even greater depth to this book either; having had some of the mentioned chemical inducements, or possibly being under the influence of some at the time.  

“I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.”

Not that I’m pining for the depths of depravity of a man on an ether binge, but there must be something to be said for the state of mind (or state of HIS mind) as a consequence.  But as I process the ridiculous notion of actions where consequence seems almost like an afterthought, I have to admit that there is an earnestness to our national identity that we forcibly constrain on account of “socially acceptable” behavior.  But ultimately freedom is an extreme concept, and a very new one at that.  The “system” doesn’t want to change, and the conventional practices don’t listen to little voices.  Real change can only come from a message yelled at full volume.

“When you bring an act into this town, you want to bring it in heavy.  Don’t waste any time with cheap shucks and misdemeanors.  Go straight for the jugular.  Get right into the felonies.”

For some people, life is a number.  It’s an age.  For others, it is a consequence, a balancing of needs and ways to serve them.  But for some people I think life is about something more.  Life in its essence is about standing at the boundaries of “reality” and wondering what happens if we push.  I mean, in a nation born of rebellion on account of a refusal to submit to oppressive authority, who’s to say where the line really must be drawn.  Sure, morality may creep in here and have a word or two about the conflicting rights of one vs. the many, or even one vs. one.  But in some sense aren’t casualties inevitable whenever the pendulum swings in any direction?  The question starts to become then aren’t we really then just arguing over who is swinging the bats? 

I don’t consider myself to be a true antiestablishment guy, other than to say that I think Jefferson nailed it with:

“The course of history shows that as a government grows, liberty decreases”

And if history has shown us anything else, it’s that the power structure does not like to give up its power.  Whether it’s Bobby Kennedy’s deal with the devil to protect the lives of the freedom riders in exchange for their constitutional freedom, or that joke of a compound we call Gitmo.  Personal freedoms, and personal liberties should not be handed out by the select few to the masses on a case by case basis.  And they sure as fuck shouldn’t be doled out only after violent conflict.  The ultimate irony is that without the boundaries he pushed, Hunter would either have never been a rebel in any true sense, or he would have driven off that launch pad, dynamite in tow.  Either way, his voice wouldn’t be such a beacon of hope to people so vehemently against oppression. 

But what really separates Hunter from Abbie?  What separates Martin from Malcolm?  I mean really?  Well other than a degree of intoxication and some big ass guns?  What are we if not a nation of dissenters yearning for freedom?  Well, in 2012 standards, I’d say we’re America circa 2012.  A disenfranchised body of citizens who are letting a Mayor decide that 17 oz of “sugary beverage” is too much of a leap beyond common sense that the average adult can’t grasp it.  “Can I get a 64oz big gulp?”  “Nope, but here, have four 16oz ones instead”.   Yeah, that makes sense.  Penn, as so often hits the mark for me. 

“The message, IS the message”

And what pray tell is this message, in so far as the context from the sixties to today?  We’ve traded down from Rosa Parks to Bloomberg and the all out war on common sense freedoms.  Where is Hunter?  Well apart from the obvious.  Has the national consciousness gone so far awry that we could actually have a single day where the arguments over “big soda” and “doma” would actually get equal footing in “reporting”.  I mean, I know we can’t trust more than 2% of any given report coming from Fox News or MSNBC without a GIANT fucking grain of salt.  But really lol-media?  Fire Dan Rather because he had the audacity to speak out against GWB and the Iraq war?  Come the fuck on.  It’s like we’re a nation of codified sissies on the sidelines discontent with the status of America, and no sense of why.  Gee I wonder.  Seemed like a good idea at the time to spare the public the gory details of our soldiers getting killed.  But maybe that’s what we need, a connection to the harsh realities.  I mean, if we get this bent out of shape over SODA, where is the radical movement marching on DC to speak out against any number of real issues of personal liberties being stripped from the public?  And God forbid someone like Hunter were to go Gonzo to pull back all the harder. 

Not surprisingly I’ve drifted WAY off course here.  But let’s get back on topic.  I want to understand (at some level at least) the perception of what it must have been like to see the world through Hunters eyes.  I know there is a boundary there that I could never consciously relent to, but there is a connection to the human experience that I think eludes the vast majority of our species because we can’t embrace letting go, at least not at a fundamental level.  Not that control isn’t in and of itself an illusionary construct of our own minds to beat back the fear, but what separates us in this regard has to be a mental check that few can make.  It’s like being on a train flying down the track toward a GIANT wall and certain death.  We the rational mass look for the breaks.  Few people stoke the fire.   Not that I would ever want to hasten the end, but in all honesty can anyone really say that there isn’t some profound experience to be gleaned from it.  My guess is that Hunter lost the battle when he couldn’t feed the fire anymore.  

"No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun — for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your (old) age. Relax — This won't hurt."

Yeah, I’m a regular Sherlock Holmes to figure that one out.  

But really.  At its core, isn’t this what we huddled masses need?  Since we’re obviously too wrapped up in our own lives to worry about the greater tragedy of a system gone wrong.  Don’t we need a half crazed lunatic to grab whatever center there is and yank it back from the hands of those who would take power from the people?  In an unjust world, shouldn’t it stand to reason that any TRUE justice would by extension have to be unjust in its own terms?  So yeah, maybe in a world where the message has been warped beyond recognition, someone needs to come along and remind us what the message should be.  Or what it’s been all along, but there just aren’t enough champions to go out and challenge the abuses by the system, with abuses of the system. 

8:15 Endoscopy

So, sitting here in the waiting room at the endoscopy clinic, having been informed 10 minutes ago that Angela is next, and they're just "waiting for a bed" my thought progression is something like this...

-They're waiting for a bed to become vacated
-They're waiting for the bed to be delivered
-They're waiting for the bed to be assembled
-They're waiting for the bed to be invented

Not exactly sure where I go from there, but I think it might be

-They're waiting for time to be invented

The comedy of errors from this morning wouldn't fly on a prime time sitcom.  Nobody could suspend disbelief this long.  So here we sit.  It's 9:30 now, for an 8:15 appointment.  How does an office start out an hour and fifteen minutes behind, an hour and fifteen minutes after they open?  That's a good question.  I don't have an answer, but I GUARANTEE someone within fifty feet knows. 

So anyway.  Per the doctors instructions, she hasn't eaten or drank any liquids since midnight.  Nor has she taken her heartburn medication.  Now we've been in this waiting room (which is at least 80 degrees) and she's hungry, thirsty, and in pain.  All this is a bummer in and of itself, but here's the real torture.  There are two drinking fountains 5 feet away.  How do you make people sit on discomfort, hot, thirsty, and late.  And then tease them with water they can't drink.  I mean, just fry up some bacon why don't you.  So it goes. 
Okay, so it's 9:45 and they found us a bed.  I guess it went out for coffee and a Danish.  In Denmark.  Angela has donned the gown, and is waiting for the doctor/nurse/technician to show up.  Hopefully that process will go a little quicker than the bed excursion.  the way I figure it, they could have conceived a child, given birth, raised the kid, sent him/her to endoscopy school, flown them to Odessa, and had them do the procedure and it'd still be quicker...so we're good. 

10:00 - she's got the IV in, and now they're taking her medical history.  "where else do you have tattoos?"  Is that really pertinent to the endoscope?  "do you have heartburn?"  No we're here because we couldn't think of anything better to do on a Friday.  Oh, and the yelly/deaf combo just came back into the procedure room.  Wait for it.  Wait for it.  Yep, my eardrums just ruptured.

10:15 people outside the curtain are talking about rabbits.  And the yelly lady is getting into the conversation.  Please God.  Don't let that be the nurses.  I'm starting to think they're inventing the camera just for this procedure.  Hopefully they're past the glass invention phase.  Glad I ate a banana this morning (aka 3 hours ago) otherwise I might be hungry.  <dripping sarcasm>  Prozac.  I love you.  I'm positive I'd have melted down by now a few months back.

10:30 Yelly lady has a stutter.  I don't know why but I never realized that  happens in other languages.  Go ahead, point and laugh.  I deserve it.  The theme song to Final Jeopardy is playing on a loop in my head.  Yay, they're taking her back.  Only 2:15 minutes late. 

10:45 Chillin (literally as it's 60 degrees in here) in the waiting room, watching two...not one, but TWO office staff ignoring a ringing phone because there way too wrapped up in their conversation.  I want to go John C. McGinley from Office Space.  "what would you say you do here?"  And oh freezing Jesus, the AC just kicked on in here.  Thankfully the cold is forcing me into hibernation, so I'm not hungry anymore. 
 
11:00 Well at least the procedure was quick, headed back to go get her.  Okay nurse lady, I get that she needs to wake up, but could you be a little less of a bitch about it?  I mean seriously, given how patient we've been up until now...no slack?  Really?  At least we're finally out of here. 

In case anyone wants the full list of all the mornings hits, here they are
-Office running late
-Deaf guy in a wheelchair having a conversation in Spanish roughly the volume of a jet engine
-Lady obsessed with Michael McDonald, and if she doesn't shut up, yammo gonna burn this place to the ground
-The procedure room door, when it closes, sounds like it's farting. 
-The guy having a conversation on his phone, telling someone about the ads in the magazine he's leafing through. 
-The guy (same guy actually) having a conversation with someone else about the ads in the same magazine.
-The guy (guess who) having a conversation about how he won't vote for a guy because he doesn't trust "those damn Chinese people".  Oh, but the good news is that he tells his grandkids "all the time" they are going to get taken over by China.  I do love passing on bigotry.
-$200 copay up front so we can't just leave
-300lb man came into the waiting room and IMMEDIATELY complained that they need "more space in here".  The irony of that comment made me laugh.
-Fighting the urge to go over and have a pseudo orgasm while slurping water from the fountain in front of all the people who can't drink.  But even I am not THAT much of a dick. 
-No toilet paper in the bathroom.
-One waiting room is 60 degrees, the other is 80. 
-If possession is nine tenths of the law, is perception nine tenths of reality?  If so, I'm in the twilight zone.