I'm not exactly sure why I somehow had convinced myself that this journey to self discovery was going to be a scenic walk along some golden path. It's rather ignorant in fact (obvious in retrospect) to think that any journey that leads one out of a dark place would not in and of itself have to encounter that darkness. Two quotes keep bouncing around in my head.
"I never said it would be easy, I said it would be worth it"
"Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen"
The former being just a reiteration of what I think I really need right now is a reminder that there is a reason for what I'm going through, even the stuff I might not want to face. Change is never easy, but growth requires it, and the harsh reality is that personal growth can only come at the expense of honest assessment of places one might not like to have such a light shone on...our failures. And the reality is that the deeper and darker the place, the more it will resist the light being shone on it.
To the latter quote, I can only say that I was exposed to this idea by a very wise person. I also think that this individual should know that I can see the full extent of the context in what was said, and when it was said. It may be a retroactive realization but in all reality it always was going to be. So to that individual (you know who you are) know that I too feel caught in the whims of the universe, pulling me toward the realization of my own decision(s).
Tying these two things together, I think we all have choices to make, and we all do our best to make the right ones. Sometimes these choices are clear, but more often than not a decision comes clouded in what we would refer to as finding the lesser of two evils. A third quote real quick:
"When facing a two way decision, flip a coin. Not because it will decide for you, but while it is in the air, you heart will know which choice you hope comes up."
I like this quote. And I thought it held a fundamental truth in it. I still believe it in concept, but I also recognize that there are times when the heart can be so perfectly divided that instead of one thing coming clear, the two opposing positions only seem to grow more strongly entrenched and as the coin falls you realize that some things might best be left unresolved. Or more appropriately some decisions are better left unmade until we can gain greater understanding of them.
One thing I am painfully aware of right now is that I have been hovering on a decision for a long time now. I have also failed to find any contrast in the decision, and out of fear of making the wrong decision I chose inaction...at least in some ways. I think that my fear of digging into what really ails me, what flaw I carry to the core drove me to paralysis, and perhaps has been doing so for many years.
"If you chose not to decide, you still have made a choice"
As much as it pains me to think of a variety of the ramifications of what has happened recently I do know that one thing I am grateful for is that someone has helped make the decision for me. I'm scared to death right now of what I'm going to unearth along the way, but I also recognize that I cannot continue to hide from all of this. I have a drive to see myself to a "better place" and I can only get there if I can honestly face up to things that I have buried deep within. I can only overcome those drains to my being if I stop ignoring them. Yes, I am afraid. And no, I don't have any grand plan at this point as to how to go about this, but I think I know my first step.
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"
I think it's high time I took a step.
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